Review: Twilight (Film)
“''Call of Duty, Castaway, Thomas the Tank Engine — all better love stories than twilight''” — Catherine Hardwicke “''What big teeth you have…''” — Bella Twilight (pronounced “doʊnt wɒtcʃ thį§”) is a movie franchise based upon the book series by Stephanie Meyer, which are also called Twilight (pronounced “doʊnt rēæd thį§”). The films were produced from 2008 - 2012, which everyone agrees is four years too long. The plot is based upon an intricate love triangle, consisting of a human girl (Bella Swan), a male vampire (Edward Cullens) and a male werewolf (Jacob Black). The basic idea is that Bella and Jacob compete for Edward, who is… wait… that’s the plot for the The Sex of the Angels… my bad. In Twilight, the plot centres around Bella, who loves both a werewolf and a vampire and can’t decide which one to be with. Y’know, as you do. Synopsis Twilight (2008): '' The plot of this book is truly original, so brilliantly unique that it almost seems as if it’s horribly mainstream. Bella meets the vampire Edward, and falls hopelessly in love with him, and then they have to escape from Edward’s family, because they think that “humans are food, not friends”. Due to a bizarre co-incidence, there was a mass hallucination at the exact time this movie was released, resulting in many people wanting to watch it as soon as they could. At least, this is the only explanation that science can provide that explains the 26.3 million US dollars ''Twilight made on its opening night. Twilight: New Moon (2009): This book is essentially the same as the first, except for fact that Edward now thinks Bella is dead (shame…), and Jacob Black is introduced. Jacob, who can turn into a dog and has the last name Black… definitely not copyrighted off a certain wizard… Edward decides to commit suicide in Italy, because when you commit suicide you can’t just do it anywhere. But miraculously, and totally unpredictably, Bella comes back at the last moment and stops him. But then they are captured by evil vampires, and Bella only escapes on the terms that she slowly becomes a vampire. I mean, no-one ever saw that coming… Twilight: Eclipse (2010): Here, the plot continues at a pace that is slightly slower than a dying snail with arthritis. After doing exactly nothing for the first half of the film, Bella and Edward finally agree to marry. And that would be a nice place to end it, right? You can stop now. Really, that’s fine! Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 1 (Part 1? I mean, seriously?): But no. There’s nothing quite like killing a movie franchise by dragging the final film into two bland, agonisingly slow parts, is there? In this one, Edward and Bella marry and Jacob is left third wheeling. Then Bella gets pregnant with a little vampire. OH GOD I WONDER WHAT MIGHT HAPPEN? Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 2: Surprise! The little baby vampire decides to eat its way out. Nom nom nom. I mean, how does that even work… But yeah, that’s about all that happens in this one. If I were you, I'd give it a WIDE BERTH (LOL GEDDIT GEDDIT watch me ROFL) Positives: Uh… um… I’ll come back you on this one… Negatives: * Crappy CGI * Repetitive plot line * Feeble acting (at the best of times) * Weak sterotypes * Repetitive plot line * MASSIVE holes in the plot * Repetitive plot line * HUGE continuity errors * Floppy ideas * Sparkling vampires * Repetitive plot line * And more… Directing: We regret to inform you that Catherine Hardwicke, director of the Twilight franchise, was involved in a tragic car accident when she was three. Though she and everyone in the car survived, we fear that her brain was damaged permanently and some mental procedures are simply beyond her capabilities. Which might explain why she spent the entire CGI budget on black hair dye and white face-paint, and why she agreed to turn an already awful book into an even worse movie… Conclusion: Unless you are extremely bored (and that means extremely bored), I would not advise going anywhere near these movies. Unless they release a sixth one; then we could go and see it for novelty’s sake…